Why Planning for End-of-Life is Difficult but Essential
Let’s face it: talking about end-of-life planning is about as fun as a trip to the dentist (well for me, it always was a little fun because both my parents were the dentists). There are a million reasons why we put off talking about or finishing hard things. The problem is —avoiding conversations about our future or that of our parents won’t change the outcome — that we will all die one day. The real question is, will you have planned in a way that protects your family or leaves those you love with a mess? Only 32% of Americans have a will, and even fewer have discussed their end-of-life wishes with their families. Despite this, planning for the future is one of the most loving and responsible actions you can take. Plus, you'll sleep better at night knowing it's handled.
Why We Avoid It
Fear of Death and the Unknown: It’s very hard to comprehend that we won’t always be here, that we and those we love won’t live forever. Theoretically, we understand we won’t, but it can be very discomforting to think about the unknown. Fear of death often equates to fear of pain or loss. It’s an area of life that none of us will have experience with until it happens, and that can produce a ton of fear and anxiety. THIS IS NORMAL.
Emotional Discomfort: Just like no one wants to have the sex talk as a teenager, no one wants to talk about death as an adult. Conversations about death can feel deeply uncomfortable, especially with families. It’s vulnerable, it feels icky, many families do not want to ‘go there’. Some may worry that by asking your parents or elders about their plans, that you will come off sounding greedy.
Perception of Invincibility: Many of us, especially when we’re young, feel like we're untouchable - that bad things may happen to others, but they won’t happen to us or those we love. This false sense of security, while a blissful part of youth, can be problematic if we are then not prepared for when things happen that we didn’t foresee.
Misunderstanding the Importance: Some think that planning is only for the super-wealthy. This is entirely false. Every adult needs to be thinking about their future, especially as it relates to healthcare and documenting your values and wishes.
Cultural Taboos: Some cultures (ahem…ours) treat speaking of death like a superstition - if you discuss it, you will make it happen sooner. Some cultures fully embrace death as part of life and freely speak of it’s importance, the US is not one of them (not yet at least!).
Why It’s Important
Protecting Your Loved Ones - At its core, end-of-life planning is a loving gesture towards those you care about. By taking the time to outline your wishes and make necessary arrangements, you can save your family a significant amount of stress, heartache, and potential conflict. Without a clear plan in place, loved ones may be left guessing about your preferences, which can lead to stress at an already stressful moment.
Ensuring Your Wishes Are Respected - End-of-life planning empowers you to make decisions about your healthcare, funeral preferences, and the distribution of your assets. This means your values and desires are honored even if you are no longer able to express them. Having documents such as a healthcare proxy, living will and durable power of attorney ensures that medical and financial decisions align with your wishes.
Financial Security - For Millennials and Gen Xers who may have dependents (children or are caring for an elderly relative - or a very old dog with health concerns) or long-term financial obligations (like a mortgage, student loans or children’s education), proper planning can safeguard against potential financial strain on those left behind. Life & long term care insurance, estate plans, and TOD’s on financial accounts can provide financial support to ensure that your children, spouse, or other dependents are cared for without the burden of financial stress. In addition, understanding your parents’ planning and needs can also help make sure you’re planning with their needs in mind.
Planning for the Unexpected- None of us know what the future holds. While it may feel unnecessary to plan for the end of life while you are young and healthy, unexpected events can occur at any time. Having a plan in place is a form of responsible self-care that protects against the unpredictable nature of life. It helps with potential stress and overwhelm and ensures you are prepared no matter what happens. A gift of peace of mind for you and your loved ones.
Quick Steps to Get Started
Talk to your friends or family. See the reception you get. Are they open to talking about it? Are they having the same fears or blocks? Be curious as to what comes up.
Start small. Collect your important documents in one place (virtually or physically). Start to organize your digital life. I offer a free guide to get you going.
Research and consider your options for advance care planning (including your healthcare proxy and power of attorney). Whether you start with an internet search, ask your friends or family about their experiences with the process, contact a Trust & Estate attorney, or ask your friendly neighborhood death doula, there is a wealth of information to get you started on the decisions to be thinking about. Free state forms are available and you do not need an attorney for these to be legally binding.
Schedule a chat with an end-of-life planner, death doula or attorney. Need referrals? Reach out! Professionals make the process of planning far less scary and can help facilitate difficult conversations if you need to have them with your parents or other family members. Come with your questions, come with your hesitations or fears, come as you are.
Taking these steps can provide a sense of relief and control over your future. Carve out 20-30 minutes each week. Before you say you don’t have time, try tracking how much time you’re spending on instagram and tik tok :)
If you’re stuck or want some extra support on how to get started, schedule a consultation. Trust me, future you will thank you.