The New Trend of Hosting Your Own “Living Memorial”
Have you ever wondered what people would say about you at your funeral? For many, there is an inherent (and dare one say morbid) curiosity about who would attend, what the eulogies would capture, and how the occasion feels or looks. What if you could be there? What would that shift for you?
Memorials and funerals can be a beautiful way to celebrate the life of the deceased and provide comfort to those left behind. It can also often feel like a missed opportunity when you don’t share the sentiments and feelings with those you love when they are still here and with you.
The trend to create living memorials or “pre-funerals” can be for anyone wishing to create a unique experience to reflect on one’s life through the eyes of those who love you. It is not reserved for those close to death. Most recently, Larry David eulogized the very much alive Albert Brooks on Curb Your Enthusiasm (who live-streamed the part-roast part-sentimental occasion from his bedroom upstairs). Around milestone birthdays or anytime you’re wishing to see your world mirrored back to you through a new lens, it can be uplifting and heartwarming to hear how you’re seen by those who know and care about you. It can also be a wake up call to do the things you’re still hoping to accomplish or a time to reconsider how to create the life you want to live.
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Here are some ideas on how to get started planning a living memorial of your own or for a loved one:
For Those Feeling Shy:
If you’re not ready to be the center of attention and feel awkward about hosting a gathering, consider having a friend/family member send a questionnaire to a select group of close loved ones to fill out and present to the honoree.
Some sample questions can include:
I know [insert name] from _____
I would call [insert name] if I needed help with ___
What does [insert name] not know about themself that they should know____
My favorite memory of [insert name] is ____
How has [insert name] impacted your life?
What is one thing [insert name] hasn’t done yet that I hope they do
Create a private website were these answers can live and where friends/family can upload photos and video messages.
There are also websites that help collect messages from loved ones like Tribute.
The In-Between: A Virtual Memorial:
While not always ideal, modern technology is pretty incredible in creating opportunities for connecting virtually for occasions big and small. Many have experienced attending a virtual memorial/funeral online. This can be a great option for those wanting to invite dear ones who live far away and are unable to travel. This setup can be as simple as a zoom meeting or more elaborate with a service like Gathering Us or Keeper.
Initiate a trusted person to host the event and keep the flow. Consider asking who will be speaking ahead of time so that they can determine how long everyone has to speak and the order in which they’re speaking.
Give the honoree time to share their thoughts and feelings with the group.
If the honoree feels overwhelmed by the idea of a large zoom gathering, you can set up different times for different groups to join and connect without the pressure of a large audience.
Request photos from those invited and put them together into a virtual or physical memory book.
For Those Ready for the Full Experience:
Creating a guest list that feels supportive and loving and enlist a loved one to help execute.
Make it personal to you - do you want a low key gathering at your favorite bar or restaurant, at your home/backyard, or perhaps you want to go all in and rent out a local funeral home.
Flow of the event - arrive, mingle, hear words or “eulogies” from loved ones, listen to meaningful readings, poems or songs. Do you want the event to be funny and celebratory like a roast, or would you prefer everyone come in character and arrive somber and contemplative? This is about what feels right for you! Give the person of honor the opportunity to give a speech, enjoy food/drinks and any other activities that make it feel personal and special.
Have a guest book and encourage guests to bring a letter expressing their feelings.
Celebrating the lives of those close to us gives the honoree a chance to feel the love and potentially face truths that are hard to hear otherwise. A living memorial experience can be empowering and joyful. Creating a pre-funeral for someone healthy can also remind a person how much they are loved, hear how people see and feel about them, and can provide a moment for self reflection and growth.
Especially now, amongst all of the worries in the world, it’s important to come together and honor our loved ones and acknowledge what they mean to us. Tell people how you feel about them now while they’re here. No need to wait.